Hard

Think it just gets no better.

I try to help others when I can but just feel so broken.

2008 – car accident resulting in lifelong damage to my lower back and never a day with no pain. (6 months after arriving in Australia)

2008 – 2016 constant struggle to overcome pain, think clearly on major opiate drugs.

Putting everything into working to keep earning for my family.

Even to the point of crawling on hands and knees to get out of bed to get to work.

2016 finally unable to work but nothing left of me as every fiber had gone in to keep going.

Ex left as no longer loved me, which I can understand being I could do nothing and felt so drugged all the time. It was too hard on her and I dont blame her.

Kids 50/50 but I had to have a carer to help otherwise I could not function.

2016-19 kids living two diffrent lives week about. Too hard on them.

Too hard on me as it breaks my heart to see them struggle. Just abandoned spending when they were not here so I could always take them places.

Dec 2018 also my health took another dent with chronic illness.

But had a great holiday with kids at my dads in Scotland. Before ending up in hospital the week after we were back. Too much for them to visit me.

Then made decision to ask ex to take them full time as it impacted them badly when they saw me suffer.

Then March 2019 I over reacted to some bad behaviour by eldest who never speaks about her challenges. She ended up badly self harming herself with a kitchen knife. Totally my fault as i have never given her into trouble or forced the issue to get help.

Now kids at their mums and i sit all alone in a house where i cant even get going to do things other than 20mins at a time. Kinda kills a social life.

So now another set of health scares for me and await results of 7 biopsies.

At least i am going to see some friends in UK and my dad. Leaving on 9th April.

I am so sad, so fed up of opiates and back pain, fed up of no family here. I so want to just give up.

I have just done nothing but struggle and loose everything here.

I am trying here as, applied for housing, living on dsp, living with pain, kicking the opiates to try and be more alert, but that means more pain and less mobility

What is the point. I am trying as my kids do need me but just cant seem to get a break.

I do not know what the future holds but this is a last grasp for me. Trip will include trying to withdraw from opiates, get fitter so I can do things. But if these 10 weeks dont work and biopsies are bad. Then how much more shit can I put up with!!!! I sooo tried.

Fingers crossed 🤞 this is 10 weeks trip, see people and spend a chunk of time with my elderly dad. Push myself to get fitter.

Will I come back to oz. Yes. I need to see my girls but after that who knows…..

Author: chris

At 54 suddenly realizing I have not been living, just existing as I moved from high flying executive, with a loving family to broke and being alone.

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