Today was a poor day and stuck in bed due to pain. This won’t stop me.

I am researching a residential course for April (4 weeks) to focus hard on managing my mental health.

I realise that I need to change and do things differently. I have truly been hiding from myself for years. Slowly withdrawing from life. If I had not had my injury I would have carried on oblivious to life until retirement.  So in some ways it has been a blessing to be shaken awake.

Now I know what an asshole I have been. Focusing on work and forgetting to live and help the family. I was on so many opiates I did not know the time of day sometimes.

Weakening up has a price. Knowing that I am suffering depression, chronic back pain and still on pain drugs.

I am amazed at how alone I feel and how difficult it is to find the right help. Yes I have my doctor, anti depressants  and a counsellor but al I really getting anywhere. I dont think so!!!!

I have now scoured the internet on depression, chronic pain and support. I have spoken to people but it is so difficult to unpack my previous life and understand where I have gone wrong. This has been lifelong and if I am going to change it has to be changing everything, starting with my health.

Step 1 – I am moving to a diffrent rental that is cheaper.

Step 2 – I am going to focus on mind and body. Learning new techniques, unpacking issues and discovering how to eat properly. Plus stopping smoking after 30+ years. To help with this I am going to check in to a residential centre to get some real help. Going to be interesting and I will let you know how it goes.

Step 3 – I have accessed my pension early (due to being registered disabled) and can access some cash.

As a result I am going to take a holiday somewhere straight after the residential course.

Step 4 – I am going to invest a couple of months in the UK. Take time to see friends and then see my elderly dad for 6/8 weeks.

Then it is starting a new life. This investment will be 3/4 months long and the first time I have invested fully in me. So let’s see how it goes as I climb out of this mental and physical hole.







Author: chris

At 54 suddenly realizing I have not been living, just existing as I moved from high flying executive, with a loving family to broke and being alone.

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