Hard

Think it just gets no better.

I try to help others when I can but just feel so broken.

2008 – car accident resulting in lifelong damage to my lower back and never a day with no pain. (6 months after arriving in Australia)

2008 – 2016 constant struggle to overcome pain, think clearly on major opiate drugs.

Putting everything into working to keep earning for my family.

Even to the point of crawling on hands and knees to get out of bed to get to work.

2016 finally unable to work but nothing left of me as every fiber had gone in to keep going.

Ex left as no longer loved me, which I can understand being I could do nothing and felt so drugged all the time. It was too hard on her and I dont blame her.

Kids 50/50 but I had to have a carer to help otherwise I could not function.

2016-19 kids living two diffrent lives week about. Too hard on them.

Too hard on me as it breaks my heart to see them struggle. Just abandoned spending when they were not here so I could always take them places.

Dec 2018 also my health took another dent with chronic illness.

But had a great holiday with kids at my dads in Scotland. Before ending up in hospital the week after we were back. Too much for them to visit me.

Then made decision to ask ex to take them full time as it impacted them badly when they saw me suffer.

Then March 2019 I over reacted to some bad behaviour by eldest who never speaks about her challenges. She ended up badly self harming herself with a kitchen knife. Totally my fault as i have never given her into trouble or forced the issue to get help.

Now kids at their mums and i sit all alone in a house where i cant even get going to do things other than 20mins at a time. Kinda kills a social life.

So now another set of health scares for me and await results of 7 biopsies.

At least i am going to see some friends in UK and my dad. Leaving on 9th April.

I am so sad, so fed up of opiates and back pain, fed up of no family here. I so want to just give up.

I have just done nothing but struggle and loose everything here.

I am trying here as, applied for housing, living on dsp, living with pain, kicking the opiates to try and be more alert, but that means more pain and less mobility

What is the point. I am trying as my kids do need me but just cant seem to get a break.

I do not know what the future holds but this is a last grasp for me. Trip will include trying to withdraw from opiates, get fitter so I can do things. But if these 10 weeks dont work and biopsies are bad. Then how much more shit can I put up with!!!! I sooo tried.

Fingers crossed 🤞 this is 10 weeks trip, see people and spend a chunk of time with my elderly dad. Push myself to get fitter.

Will I come back to oz. Yes. I need to see my girls but after that who knows…..

Weekend Nightmare

Ok. This weekend my live in carer and aupair is going and my girls came back for a farewell weekend. Great to have them as I cant really look after them now.

Friday night and Saturday day went well, which I was really happy about. Because I am so apprehensive of how deep and troubled my eldest Isla is.

Isla, is very close to her mum and is a very deep soul who keeps all her feeling wrapped up inside. Although she is lovely she can be very dismissive to me and says some hurtful things. Such as calling me a liar even if I go to shops and cant get something she wanted. She has a lot of mixed up feelings and won’t talk about them to me. She also seems to have gathered together loads of comments that must come from over hearing her mum. Things that a 15 year old would never say.

Unfortunately, I have been letting them go as she will not let me say any corrections and jumps to her mums defence.

We had a good day today and had subway, played a boardgame and went to movies. Then big mistake was I agreed we could go to a restaurant for dinner with Issy. Unfortunately, it was hard for Iska to choose her dinner and she only ended up choosing some loaded fries. Then she started sulking and being mean to me. To prevent it turning horrible I left them to finish and met them all at the car.

On the way home I let Rio and told her how angry I was at the way she behaved. She shouted at me I was just horrible and always had more money than her mum. I snapped back that I only have my pension and me and my ex have the same. She just screamed I was a liar, didnt have any friends as I was too self absorbed and she hated me. ( before also telling me she loved me). She had a full on panic attack and when she started breathing properly went and shut herself in her room.

Just a nightmare.

She called her mum who turned up and persuaded her to open her door. Bloody hell she had taken a knife from the kitchen and cut her wrists.

Now her mum took her to hospital without saying a word to me. (She has been admitted and will need stitches).

No communication from her mum but a friend has told me. What the fuck!! How am I supposed to break through to my daughter. Neither of them can bear speaking about my health or seeing me in pain.

I am lost with this. I knew she was troubled but doing this. I cannot begin to know how to help here. What a bloody weekend.

Finally cooking

Today was my second day of cooking. Lamb kebabs and mash potato. Yum

I have been really rubbish with diet. Just cannot get the motivation to look after myself. The loneliness and depression just sucks the life out of me. It is a real challenge. I have been skipping eating apart from rubbish. Takeaway, sweets and chips.

It is a good thing to note that it sneaks up on you and cooking for one is so boring. I found myself having a coffee in morning, skipping eating till night time and sometimes not at all.

If only someone had told me this happened!!!

Anyway, I have now cooked two nights in a row and enjoyed it although my back pain makes it tough to do. I have even bought my first ever cellar salad (ready to eat) and having a yogurt every day.

Wish there was someone to teach me about cooking for one and what is right to do. I will maybe ask on FBook if anyone knows a good cookbook for single guys.

Anyway, 8.50pm and I have just gone to bed. Feeling a little better. 😁

 

 

Today

A struggle to get going today. Could have stated in bed. One of my friends (Nicky) came and took me shopping for food.

Bloody painful walking around supermarket as trying without my pain patch. Silly I know but I feel so much more awake without it.

Then took me for lunch at hers plus some jobs in garden. Feels so much better doing something.

 

Today was a poor day and stuck in bed due to pain. This won’t stop me.

I am researching a residential course for April (4 weeks) to focus hard on managing my mental health.

I realise that I need to change and do things differently. I have truly been hiding from myself for years. Slowly withdrawing from life. If I had not had my injury I would have carried on oblivious to life until retirement.  So in some ways it has been a blessing to be shaken awake.

Now I know what an asshole I have been. Focusing on work and forgetting to live and help the family. I was on so many opiates I did not know the time of day sometimes.

Weakening up has a price. Knowing that I am suffering depression, chronic back pain and still on pain drugs.

I am amazed at how alone I feel and how difficult it is to find the right help. Yes I have my doctor, anti depressants  and a counsellor but al I really getting anywhere. I dont think so!!!!

I have now scoured the internet on depression, chronic pain and support. I have spoken to people but it is so difficult to unpack my previous life and understand where I have gone wrong. This has been lifelong and if I am going to change it has to be changing everything, starting with my health.

Step 1 – I am moving to a diffrent rental that is cheaper.

Step 2 – I am going to focus on mind and body. Learning new techniques, unpacking issues and discovering how to eat properly. Plus stopping smoking after 30+ years. To help with this I am going to check in to a residential centre to get some real help. Going to be interesting and I will let you know how it goes.

Step 3 – I have accessed my pension early (due to being registered disabled) and can access some cash.

As a result I am going to take a holiday somewhere straight after the residential course.

Step 4 – I am going to invest a couple of months in the UK. Take time to see friends and then see my elderly dad for 6/8 weeks.

Then it is starting a new life. This investment will be 3/4 months long and the first time I have invested fully in me. So let’s see how it goes as I climb out of this mental and physical hole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking Back

In 2008 I was involved in a car accident, where another driver had that moment of distraction.

The resulting injury to my lower back resulted in multiple operations and a ten year journey with chronic pain.

This has draw every piece of energy to keep going, exhausted savings and took me to the pit of depression.

Now I see that the accident was a wake up call. I had fallen into thinking making money and putting a roof over my families head was all that mattered. Leaping from project to project, flying all over the place, having great family holidays but not living. No hobbies and driving myself by sheer willpower.

The chronic pain and living on prescribed opiates slowly eradicated who I was. Mistakenly putting everything into work and nothing into life.

My ex wife suffered herself as she raised our two daughters with an absent husband who could not even think straight.

Now I realise that I have to start living instead of hiding in work, which I have been doing from long before my accident. I have finally woken up although the pathway ahead is not clear.

This is my journey, capturing issues, thoughts and steps going forward. I apologise if anyone gets offended but this is the truth as I see it.

Background

I have started this blog to record my journey as I recover from 10 years of fighting a back injury that has taken me from:

2008 – doing very well as a senior executive, well paid and happily married with two beautiful daughters

To

2019 – On a disabled pension, broke, alone and just discovering I have been existing rather than living for most of my life.

This is capturing my journey from the pit of despair as I awaken and need to start living.